Five Ways You Know You Are Really, Really Late For Your Own Funeral

1) Your children, who are now fully-grown, cut you off in the parking lot with the Escalades they bought with their inheritance.

2) You unknowingly complement your husband’s new wife on her shoes.

3) Reading your eulogy, your brother keeps referring to you crossly as his “late, very, very late, beloved sister.”

4) The pew you are sitting in is dedicated “in memory of” you.

5) When you go to sign your guest book, your fingers shatter into a million pieces.

Happy Halloween!