Things Which Are An Affront To My Husband’s Masculinity Which I Don’t Understand, But Have Learned To Accept

Alleged Affront: Using a staw.
His explanation: You never saw John Wayne use a straw, did you?

Alleged Affront: Walking a dog who is wearing a sweater.
His explanation: Is self-explanatory.

Alleged Affront: Checking Luggage.
His Explanation: Baggage Claim is for amateurs.

Alleged Affront: Shampoo and then condition.
His explanation: Why do in two steps what you can do it one.

Alleged Affront: Suggesting 3-year-old son dress as “Robin” for Halloween.
His explaination: There will be no sidekicks in his family.

Alleged Affront: Being issued a Disney credit card with Bambi on it.
His explanation: Mickey! Isn’t Mickey enough?

Alleged Affront: Taking an pain killer when in pain.
His explanation: I don’t have time.

Alleged Affront: Attempting to talk about hilarity of old boyfriend’s letter found in box in garage whilst he is watching UFC Championships.
His explanation: Too many affronts to explain.

Things I would think would be an affront to his masculinity, which apparently are not:

Watching Jane Austen’s “Emma” staring Gwyneth Paltrow (suspect it has something to do with Gwyneth’s beautiful neck).