Updated Anniversary Gifts

When trying to figure out what to get Larry for an anniversary gift, I consulted an online source that listed the traditional gifts for each year.

Here is that list:
First, Paper
Second, Cotton
Third, Leather
Fourth, Fruit
Fifth, Wood
Tenth, Tin
Fifteenth, Crystal
And so on.
It is obvious this list is outdated, hokey and would provoke many-a slammed door in some households.
I felt compelled to make a more contemporary, realistic list of proper anniversary gifts.

Here’s the updated list:
First, Paper.
Second, Big screen TV. (Which the wife says she wants, but secretly she will go out and buy clothes and handbags for herself that will equal the price of the stupid big TV.)
Third, Commitment to get counseling.
Fourth, Repiping the house.
Fifth, Just one night out just the two of you and a Tiffany’s Elsa Peretti necklace.
Tenth, iPhone
Fifteenth, Labradoole