I don’t care for Starbucks, I much prefer Coffee Bean. I’m fiercely loyal to ultimately pointless things.

When circumstances such as location or parking make Starbucks more convenient, this is how I make the trip worth it…

When I order, I pretend like I have never stepped foot in a Starbucks in my life and need an enormous amount of help ordering.

I stammer, “Hmmm, what’s popular here?”

The stunned barista (I don’t think they can really be called this in good faith anymore) usually says something like, “Hot or cold?”

To which I reply, “Oh, I don’t want anything to eat, just a coffee.”

Stumped cashier most likely will say,” No, do you want a hot drink or cold drink? “

Then I spring a look like it’s the first time I’ve ever heard of an iced cup of java, “Oooo cold coffee? I’ll have one of those…”

You see where this is going…we go through the various choices–blended, on ice, caramel, vanilla, mocha, whipped cream–and with each one I get more and more excited at the idea of it.

“Great! I’ll have a small iced mocha coffee,” I finally say.

This is where it gets really fun. An employee at Starbucks must be mandated to never utter the words “small” “medium” or “large,” so they always repeat it like this, “That will be a tall iced mocha.”

“Yes, a small iced mocha coffee,” I “repeat” back.

“Okay a tall iced mocha,” they “repeat” back. Heeeheehee I’m satisfied now.

I just did this yesterday–works every time. You should try it.

I always tip big for being such a dork.

I would NEVER do this at The Bean, ever!

I seriously do this, really.