In my opinion, aside from Speedos, the tank top is the most perilous of the all male garments. The donning of the tank top by a man should only be undertaken with the distinct permission from a women in their life–preferably not their mother–and I strongly urge any women to consult the list below when choosing what guy can wear a tank top and why.
These are the only five men I grant permission to wear a tank top in public.
#1 Richard Simmons. No one wears a Bedazzled tank top like Richard. He is allowed because any other kind of garment on him is just wrong–sports coat, cashmere sweater? Eww, wrong! Rule: If you permeate zero masculinity, and in fact are a male who is like a vortex of male energy, you are allowed to wear a tank.
( I double-dog dare you to click and enlarge this photo.)
#2 My brother, Randall. Both my brothers actually, but I could only find a picture of Randall wearing a tank. In fact, I was hard-pressed to find a picture of either of them with a shirts on at all. Rule: Brothers are allowed to wear tanks if they have the chest hair of a 20-year-old. They are, confusingly, grandfathered in.
(Please, I’m begging you, whatever you do don’t leave a comment saying he’s cute. For heaven’s sakes, he already thinks every girl has a crush on him. We don’t want to encourage him.) #3 Gerard Butler. If you’re in prison and working out by doing pull-ups from the grids on the ceiling and you’re Gerard Butler, by all means, wear a tank top. Rule: Obvious studliness gets a pass on the tank top.
#4 The Harlem Globe Trotters. I would say all athletes, but that really leaves the door too wide open for singlet-style tanks and those self-cut tanks made from Gold’s Gym T-shirts that are open all the way down the side. So I wanted to be very specific. Rule: If you are a professional athlete (or just play one on the court) and have a retro-vibe going, you are allowed to wear the tank–but, only while performing your sport.
#5 Steve Perry from Journey. No one rocked the sleeves cut off a regular t-shirt, ’80s tank top like Steve Perry. This video is one of my all-time favorites and, I think, the BEST 80’s video EVER. Rule: If you’re Steve Perry, you can wear whatever you want.
Love his shirt in the video? Want one of your own? You can order it here, just take scissors to the sleeves and you’re good to go. I got one for my friend’s husband. Will include note he can only wear in public if he has expressed, written permission from his wife (which he will never get, so don’t worry).
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Other Friday Fives:
I love steve perry!
I have a crush on Randell now.
(you can be mad at me later for this comment. I am okay with that.)
You are not selling me….I don’t think any of them should be wearing tank tops..and Richard Simmons creeps me out, big time!
I’m a wimp….I couldn’t enlarge the photo, too scary!!
I am proud to say my hubbie has never worn a tank top but some of his comfy work shirts are see through…
Have a great weekend!
🙂
You are so funny. I think they are called wife beaters in this neck of the woods…but that Richard Simmons?
The thing I dont like about tank tops are the hairy arm pits. They just dont do a thing for me. Happy Friday!
Although this post is funny, I still say no man should wear a tank top. As for the video, holy cow. How is it that a band that can make me so happy could have been so atrociously ridiculous? What’s with the keyboard mounted on the side of the building anyway?
Hugh Jackman can wear a tank top any day of the week! I’m just sayin’.
I had already clicked the Richard Simmons photo, of course. Always looking for good makeup tips.
I must allow all basketball players with the exception of Andrei Kirilenko (and maybe a few others) to wear tank tops. No one has arms like a basketball player.
And a big part of why Journey creeps me out IS the tank top.
Sorry, but whether or not I agree with you, this post was hilarious!
I can’t believe…out of 643 songs on my iTunes random playlist, it was playing Separate Ways when I started reading your post!!
Have to agree w/Angry Julie on Richard Simmons!
I took that double dog dare. I can hardly see right now.
Love this post Suz. You are so brilliantly funny!!!
ps. I am wearing a tank top now. is that ok? None of my chest hair is exposed though.
Okay, I clicked on the Richard Simmons photo and Ewwwwww! Is he wear mascara and lip gloss?
Is that chick wearing white pumps after Labor Day (LOL)? I think my husband owns that shirt and has had it since Journey was popular.
Looking forward to your Speedo permission list…not really, but you are going to do that too?:-)
i love a tank under a crisp, white business shirt. especially when the man takes it off movie star style! yowza!
OH my god, I love that video. Ah, the 80s. So fabulous! I remember those black leather skirts! I used to have one! LOL. 😀
um, hello? JOHN BONJOVI
Where do you come up with stuff? You’re killin’ me. 🙂 How about a tank with a Speedo?
Oh man! Loved this post! I was just saying how I hate men in tank tops. It just shouldn’t be done. But, you’re right. There are exceptions and you’ve chosen good ones.
This is a great post, as usual. I just wish you had given me permission, too, because I love wearing tank tops. In that summer that is practically all I wear. I know many ladies out there are offended by them and I say that is just not fair!
Does it help if I have a flat stomach and I keep my “bushy armpits” in check?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What an awesome list! Great idea with the Friday Five Suz!!! Richard Simmons….LOL
Ok, I have to agree. I was doubtful though. When I first started reading I couldn’t think of a single man who was allowed to wear tank tops.
You are BRILLIANT! Fucking BRILLIANT !
Sorry Suz but I’ve got to say it: he’s cute. 🙂
In addition to their hundreds of exhibition games, the Globetrotters have faced some competitive action since the mid-1990s. On September 12, 1995, they lost 91–85 to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s All Star Team in Vienna, Austria ending an alleged run of 8,829 straight victories in going back to 1971.
Pretty insightful post. Never thought that it was this simple after all. I had spent a good deal of my time looking for someone to explain this subject clearly and you’re the only one that ever did that. Kudos to you! Keep it up
In addition to their hundreds of exhibition games, the Globetrotters have faced some competitive action since the mid-1990s. On September 12, 1995, they lost 91–85 to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s All Star Team in Vienna, Austria ending an alleged run of 8,829 straight victories in going back to 1971.
You are BRILLIANT! Fucking BRILLIANT !
Ok, I have to agree. I was doubtful though. When I first started reading I couldn’t think of a single man who was allowed to wear tank tops.
clarinex
on since the mid-1990s. On September 12, 1995, they lost 91–85 to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s All Star Team in Vienna, Austria ending an alleged run of 8,829 straight victories in going back to 1971.
ves and you’re good to go. I got one for my friend’s husband. Will include note he can only wear in public if he has expressed, written permission from his wife (which he will never