I like shopping at Costco. Well, let me restate that, I like eating lunch at Costco. Their definition of a “slice of pizza” does my guilt meter good. “I’ll just have a slice,” I tell myself, which any place but Costco would be a medium pizza and their audacious cup of ice cream is unmatched–anywhere.
On a recent trip to the Irvine Costco I was strolling down the condiment aisle and I noticed a couple. The woman was positively gorgeous. She had what I call a “bridal look”–perfect make-up and hair, fresh French mani and an ensemble that was (naturally) perfect for the occasion.
A put-togetherness most of us girls can only pull-off once in our lives, for the big day. Other than our wedding, the odds of having ALL of these elements working for us on one day are slim…and dead zero if you’re a mom of kids under the age of ten.
The guy looked like your brother. I don’t know your brother, I don’t even know if you HAVE a brother, but I bet he looked just like him–just a average guy.
As I maneuvered my massive cart around theirs, I overheard their conversation. She was hanging on his shoulder, her head resting on her hands. It went like this:
Bride: I don’t like that brand of syrup, it tastes too…earthy (with accompanying icky look).
Brother guy: Well, it’s all natural and it IS from a tree.
Bride: What? No it’s not. Syrup?
Brother guy: Yeah. M-A-P-L-E syrup. You know, from a M-A-P-L-E tree?
Bride: OOOOOOOOOOh, that’s why they call it that. I thought it was because of the COLOR maple. I didn’t know it was from the maple TREE. (Then she laughed and playfully pushed him away.)
And you could tell at that moment it was over for the guy. It didn’t matter how stunning his girlfriend was, he just couldn’t date someone who didn’t know syrup came from a tree. Somethings are just deal-breakers. How could he tell his friends? How could he face his old girlfriend when he bumped into her at The Bean with his new girlfriend who didn’t know syrup came from a tree? His ex would just know. She was like that.
I watched their relationship die right there as we all strolled past the gallon sized mayonnaise and teriyaki sauces.
I saw them later in the check out line. She was playing with his hair and talking about making him her special chocolate chip cookies. She seemed like a sweet gal–happy. She chatted with other people in their line as it snaked slowly toward the cashier. But you could read it on the guy’s face, he planning his exit speech.
Ok, so I just read that and was trying to hold back my giggles, and Chris ran in from the other room because he thought I was crying. (Just made the whole thing more funny.)
Gah, that story is priceless!!! Reminds me of the time that my uncle was dating a Barbie doll, and brought her to my grandparents house. When she saw that the guest bathroom had a black toilet, she said, “Wow! How did they get black water inside it?” I thought that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. I was 8. 😉
Oh, that poor guy. That would pretty much be a deal-breaker for me too.
That is funny. I have a friend who was watching the Calgary Olympics with his wife. She asked him : “where is Canada, exactly?” He said: “you know that big place above America when you watch the weather? That is Canada.” She’s his ex-wife now.
And the best thing of all is, you overheard it and immediately had two thoughts: (1) I have to remember this VERBATIM so I can blog it, and (2) I Must have a photo of these ginormous vats of syrup to accompany this entry! Right? Am I right??
PS, love the reference to one of my favorite Elvis Costello songs in the title.
Please tell me she wasn’t blonde!!!
Do you think that she knows that most people don’t get their homemade chocolate chip cookies out of that big plastic tub with dough inside? Bahahahahaha!
Priceless!
You just can’t make this stuff up. Just a riot. Thanks for sharing!
Nice working in a little Elvis Costello.
Hilarious!! Should have made a video of that one!
Ha ha…another example of why hell will meet the hand basket soon enough…Maple is a color and a tree and a syrup??? We’re doomed people…
But as a serious tip from an old New Englander, don’t buy syrup in plastic bottles unless you like Dioxins leaching into your system. Glass bottles or nothing!!
Call off that wedding, Mister!
Ha ha…another example of why hell will meet the hand basket soon enough…Maple is a color and a tree and a syrup??? We’re doomed people…
But as a serious tip from an old New Englander, don’t buy syrup in plastic bottles unless you like Dioxins leaching into your system. Glass bottles or nothing!!
Call off that wedding, Mister!
Thanks everyone for the comment…and for the tip, ex Marine!
I do have a brother and he looks just like that guy. Funny story!
I don’t have a brother, but the girl sound like my sister. Maybe it WAS my sister…was she wearing a Juicy sweatsuit????
Wow. This is awesome. Sad. But fabulously written, and, seriously, if I’d been dating her, that’s when it would have died too (not that I date women, but you know what I mean): it’s hard to date a beautiful face that has no brain cells rubbing together under the perfect hair.
LOL! This reminds me of a story: My office mate (who yes, just happens to be blonde) held up a bottle water one day and asked me, “do you know how much water is in this? I’m trying to drink xxx number of ounces per day.” I said, “I don’t know, look at the bottle, it should tell you.”
At this point she held up the Dasani and replied…..wait for it…
“It says 8 Florida ounces.” HUH?
“Do you mean “fluid ounces?!”
“oh, yeah..giggle..giggle..” hair flip…
sigh..that one was a classic.
Now, how pretty was she EXACTLY? This might not be a total deal breaker for me. Were the cookies from scratch? Talking endlessly about your cat is a deal breaker for me. Pretty much just owning a cat will kill it for me.
was it Jessica Simpson by any chance?
I just love your angle on this story, “I watched their relationship die right there”
I almost missed the Elvis Costello reference. So glad one of your commenters pointed that out!
Funny post, Suzanne!
PEOPLE! I swear…they just blow me away!!!
This all reminds me of a blonde joke…
A blond hears on the news that 2 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. Upon hearing this, she cries, “OH MY GOD! How many is 2 Brazilian?!”
To be fair, most so-called “maple syrup” has nothing to do with maple trees. If they say “Maple Syrup” like the ones in your photo, then (in the US at least) they have to be concentrated maple sap. But most commercial syrups don’t say that, instead saying “Maple-flavored Syrup,” “Pancake Syrup,” or something similar. These are primarily high-fructose corn syrup.
This is an awesome story.
Hilarious. I remember the deal breaker for me with an ex in late high school… She said “pie is nummy”. She also said “What’s USC”!