Breaking News: Irvine Woman Admits She Can’t Afford Something

Irvine, Ca. An Irvine mom was overheard in Conner Bakery today saying she couldn’t afford to buy a new car at the moment. Several diners were so riddled with shock they found it difficult to finish their panini sandwiches.

The woman has been identified as Suzanne Broughton. When we spoke to her, she said she didn’t mean to disorient anyone. It was just that she and her husband had decided to wait to buy a new car because they couldn’t manage it right now.

Broughton assured concerned community members at an impromptu press conference she was going to make a purchase in the near future because, “My car is nearly 8 years old and doesn’t have a GPS system or a DVD player.” At this admission, in an obvious attempt to keep her from incriminating herself further, her companions swiftly whisked Broughton away in a freshly detailed 2008 Tahoe.

Her husband didn’t return our phone calls, but in an open letter to the citizens of Irvine he wrote, “I am deeply sorry for the unpleasantness this has caused my fellow consumers. We meant in no way to offend. My wife has a very loud speaking voice after her second Diet Coke and didn’t know the music was going to lull at that very moment.”

Speaking outside the Broughton’s home their UPS man spoke about their recent spending habits, he said, “Well, I have been delivering less J.Crew and Amazon packages lately. But, I had no idea it was this bad– to acutally ADMIT it!”

He didn’t want to be identified by name, but went on futher to bitterly complain about some people and their “yapping jaws” filling fellow spenders with “silly notions,” like cutting back or saving money, never considering the far-reaching effects of such “rubbish.” He then leaped on his big brown truck and purposefully screeched away. (Only to stop suddenly at the next house to make a large delivery from Pottery Barn.)

In a phone interview yesterday Broughton was asked if she was taking any further steps by trimming down on small expenses like pedicures and vanilla lattes from Coffee Bean, she responded, “Let’s not get crazy.”