Now, I have to preface this post by saying, The Broughtons love their bacon. I was neutral on the bacon issue before I married Larry, but becoming a Broughton meant loving that particular part of the pig. Our wedding reception featured every sort of food wrapped in bacon imaginable (and a large swan carved out of butter, but that’s a different story).
This morning I knew I was in trouble the moment I threw the bacon in the pan and it started to turn a weird yellow/orange/brown. “They’re gonna know! I’m going down,” I thought to myself–mild panic setting in. This was bad. No matter how good the cinnamon rolls or how scrumptious the eggs, if the bacon’s not good, you might as well throw the whole breakfast out the window. (Which is strictly prohibited in our home owner’s association rules and regs.)
When I served the “bacon” my family seemed to not suspect a thing. I felt devious, like slipping a cheating husband rat poison in his coffee, but my family did nothing to deserve this…this…What have I done?
As soon as I took a bite I knew it was all over. Darting my eyes from kid to husband to kid back to husband I could see the confusion on their faces as they ate their first piece. It made an unnatural crunching sound that pierced the ears, and with each bite the noise became louder and louder until finally ending with a terrible crunchy crescendo, leaving me feeling guilty and…very thirsty.
Emily picked up her remaining two pieces and threw them on to her dad’s plate without saying a word. Larry, poor Larry, he would never say anything. He is so sweet and supportive. He just kept eating, looking straight down at his plate. I finally confessed, “The bacon is low sodium,” and with that, a big sigh we let out by everyone.
I think they were just happy I wasn’t able to make regular bacon taste so awful–sealing my fate as a terrible cook. They all then downed their OJ’s to get rid of the taste and tore into their cinnamon buns. “I just thought it would be healthier this way,” I explained. Thus, almost completing the transformation into my Mother.
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In celebration, here is some bacon linkage:
International Bacon Day? Sheesh, you should have served the good stuff. Applewood smoked THICK bacon. You can find it at Costco. You will never buy anything else, I promise. Your family will thank me.
This is hilarious! I love the way you can make fun of yourself and still come out looking smart and funny. Well played.
THIS IS SO FUNNY SUZ. Sorry for yelling, caps lock. ;(
we eat the low sodium all the time. All the time meaning once a week. No one here is the wiser. Please don’t tell them.
Love the youtube clip. That guy is FUNNY.
How come international bacon day is NOT on my calendar??? huh???
“I think they were just happy I wasn’t able to make regular bacon taste so awful”
Classic!
We once made some “turkey bacon.” It was disgusting. Bacon is anti-healthy food. Like anti-matter. If you mix it with healthy food, the two items cancel each other out and what remains is not food. Just enjoy regular bacon.
What you really need to celebrate the awesome power of bacon is a bacon scarf. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9330217 It’s even available through etsy!
International bacon day? Never heard of that, sorry.
Poor Kevin, people always tease him about his name but at least he has an international day.
Brad (bacon lover) and I were cracking up through your whole post! Great video too… we even watched a few other sketches… so funny!
Very funny!!
Jim Gaffigan is so dang funny. Love that guy.
As My Brother Bob says: “There are only two good things about bacon–the smell and the taste.”
Once my friend Sue decided to make the traditional Sunday morning Dad makes pancakes for the boys’ breakfast more healthy, so she poured out the Aunt Jemima and poured in REAL maple syrup. She arrived in the kitchen just in time to hear the boys saying, “Dad! What did you do to the pancakes today? They’re spoiled!”
She backed slowly out of the kitchen and went back to bed, pretending innocence.
We are the opposite here…I think if I served regular bacon, they’d all fall out in disbelief. Great post.
Low Sodium Bacon… what were you THINKING woman? Have you had anything low sodium taste good? The soup is straight from the pits of hell, every single variety. hahaha! this is funny though. I’ve tried slipping “good stuff” to my family. They can always tell. darn.
This is freakin’ hilarious. I like the “I think they were just happy I wasn’t able to make regular bacon taste so awful…” part too. So funny. Turkey bacon is a crime too. You just gotta do the real thing or go home.
What?!?! I missed Bacon Day??? Argh!
And your little fiasco story was hilarious. Let’s hope you’re much better at cooking the real deal.
International Bacon Day! I didn’t know! I was unprepared!
I think I did 2 or 3 blog posts about bacon last month… does that cover my baccon blogging quota?
I forgot to add.. your description of the cooking and eating of your low sodium bacon was hilarious!
We are singin’ from the same hymnal, sister! Bacon makes everything better.
Good thing you didn’t try to pass off turkey “bacon”. As if you could.
How could you? You might as well have tried giving them soy bacon.
I like bacon, too. But Diet Coke with bacon? Is that real? Bacon cupcakes? Is that real?
I cannot believe I missed such an auspicious occasion. I’m gonna celebrate today. With the real stuff;)
It’s two days late but Happy Bacon Day: http://bacolicio.us/http://www.emphasisallmine.com/emphasismine/
hee hee
Loved this post! We love our bacon around here. We had some this morning, in fact. The regular kind…nothing low sodium around here. 😉 We once bought this maple flavored bacon quite accidentally and I think it might be one of the most disgusting things I had ever eaten.
Oh, and those cupcakes look kinda amazing! The Kevin Bacon in the barn scene….classic.
Missed bacon day, but every day is bacon day here in South Carolina. Actually, every day is cinnamon roll and bacon day here. 3 major food groups = fat, sugar and salt 🙂 Very funny post!
That’s hilarious. And I LOVE your new blog header!!! Gorgeous!
Mmmmm. bacon. I’ve heard that if you mention bacon in a blog, (even randomly) you get lots and lots of hits.
Let me know if it’s true! And the maple bacon cupcakes sound like something I’ve gotta try!