I lie to my kids all the time. I know I’m not supposed to lie. I teach my kids not to lie. But it’s completely impossible to navigate the murky, treacherous waters of parenting without inserting a doozie of a fib every once in a while.
I’m not talking about the standard “untruths” we tell to kindle our kids’ imagination and make their little lives fun–like about a certain white-bearded man or gnomes living in our houses.
I’m not including the little white lies we tell to ease the pain of a lost pet or calm the anxiety of a worried little one on the way to the doctor. Every parent stretches the truth when it comes to how long five minutes is or what the consequences are if you cross your eyes for too long–these are all just “givens” in the big parenting book. (Which isn’t issued, but written hastily by parents as they go…)
I’m talking about flat-out whoppers that are told in the hopes of getting our kids to do what we want them to do. Lies that take death defying-leaps away from reality but ultimately, we believe, will benefit our children. In the end, these types of lies will become family folklore that our kids will tell their kids one day. “I remember grandma told me our cat got married and moved away, but really they gave him away because he kept scratching the furniture.” They will laugh with their children, while shooting us an amused look.
These are the lies that keep on giving. The ones you have to elaborate and modify to keep them going. The kind of lies you have to whisper ahead of time to friends or family–dragging them into your web of deception.
My biggest and longest running lie revolved around the culinary delight we all know as the grilled cheese sandwich. My favorite food in the world! But my daughter didn’t like them–refused to eat them! I wanted to make them for myself her because of their nutritional value (always on whole wheat), to add some variety to her meals, and because they are DOWNRIGHT yummy!
She wouldn’t have anything to do with them.
One day, after refusing a grilled cheese, I asked her if she wanted me to make her a very special sandwich–A Camp Sandwich. Usually The Camp Sandwich can only be eaten while outdoors, next to an open fire. But I told her I could, just this once, make her a Camp Sandwich to try. Oh, she really wanted one, so I broke the rules “just this once” and made her the perfect Camp Sandwich.
As she ate it I told her tale after bogus tale about how I used to eat them all the time when I was a little girl. How I used to sit around campsites with my brothers eating Camp Sandwiches, petting the bears, and listening to the wood fairies sing as they worked. I really laid it on thick.
“This is the best sandwich I’ve ever had!” she announced as she devoured the sandwich. Mission accomplished…until…she ordered a Camp Sandwich at Ruby’s, and at Red Robin and at…. I think I have told every 20-year-old, uninterested server in Orange County the story of The Camp Sandwich.
The Camp Sandwich had a very long run as far as parental lies go. It lasted until my daughter was about six years old when her Aunt Jana finally (narked on me) told her the truth while spending the day at her house. She hopped in the car and proudly proclaimed, “I know a Camp Sandwich is really just a grilled cheese!”
Oh, well. At least she has a good story for her kids now and I have a daughter who enjoys a good grilled cheese as much as I do.
(Picture by Studio Schatz)
I always let others perpetuate the story. My hands are clean;)
This is SOOO funny. How could she not love a grilled cheese? I think she was doing it out of pure spite….:) You know how girls are.
When I was little my Brother always ordered those from the little diners…I swear for years he was ordering a “girl cheese” sandwich. Very confusing for me…I thought it was only for girls.
I never lie to my kids. Only Bad moms do that.
Oh, I gotta go get my Santa suit drycleaned……
Great story and well-told. That bad Aunt Jana! (I also love the cat getting married and moving away.)
“Dad, do you think God and Santa are friends? Is that how Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good?”
Yiy!
Treacherous waters indeed!
I lie ALL the time. I take pride in some of my “whoopers” Good job.
I love leading my kids on (aka flat-out lying to manipulate them). It’s an illness, really.
LOVE the camp sandwich story! I need to file that trick away for future use…
Haha, wonderful story ! I can imagine the camp sandwich is a concept now in OC. Great pic of the palm trees and bird in the fog.
Just wait until you are sitting in Ruby’s and over hear another mother telling the tale of the great camp sandwhich! There needs to be some sort of royality payments due to you.
This is great. I often tell lies to my kids for their ‘benefit’. And, hey, they work.
Haha. Reminds me of when I told my three year old, who refused to wear socks for an entire year or more, that I was getting him Robot Feet. No, no, they just look like socks. They’re actually Robot Feet. See how they’re grey, and they have this rubber on the bottom?
He so badly wanted to believe me.
“Will I turn into a robot if I wear them?”
“…Yeah!”
He was smarter than that, though, and refused to put them on. “Those aren’t robot feet! They’re SOCKS!”
great story! I can relate with all of the “stories” I have told my duaghter for her (our) benefit!
When I was six, my Grandpa had to dig up the yard to fix a pipe from the well. I did not know that. I kept asking what they were doing, and they would say nothing. i asked and asked, and then Grandpa told me that they were digging an elephant trap because the elephant needed his toe nails cut. I helped dig with my little shovel for two days. We never caught an elephant. You think he was too smart for our little trap?
Awwwww, so cute! A mom I know told me about the “Halloween Fairy” when her daughter was expecting her to come. You keep a few pieces of your favorite Halloween candy, then bag up all the rest and leave it outdoors on Halloween night after you’ve trick or treated. The next morning the Halloween Fairy has come by and left a little present like a doll or stickers, etc.
I might also have been the “Halloween Fairy” a time or two, but that’s a story for a different time ; )
Good on you Suzanne, this is a great little story! Cheers!
You are so naughty! Your little lier you… they are not really lies that we parents tell they are lifelong lessons of imaginary sorts, that is what I call them at least! Great story.
thanks suz, now i have an uncontrollable craving for CAMP SANDWICHES! 😉
FIBBERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!
What a great story! I can’t wait for the opportunity to tell my family we are having Camp Sandwiches for dinner one night. Imagine their surprise….. Bwahahahaha!
That’s too funny! Your daughter certainly won’t forget Camp Sandwiches. I overheard a co-worker telling people in the lunch room today that she and her husband have never lied to their child. He’s 6 years old and has never left cookies for Santa, had a visit from the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny because that would be LYING. Oh so BORING.
my two boys (ages 6 and 3) don’t like to eat or drink things with “weird” names. So at this time of the year, Egg Nog would be out of the question. So last year I brought home a beautiful carton of egg nog, and told my boys it was “Christmas milk.” They loved it. And they drink a ton of it.
Ha! I’ve got to try this one. I too love grilled cheese and my little girl just hates the very idea of them and won’t ever even take a bite (though she loves cheese, and bread). I’m having a difficult time accepting that she might not like them, so I’m determined to find a way to introduce them to her in such a way that she won’t be able to resist!
So what are you saying? Santa doesn’t sit by the fire eating Camp Sandwiches with the Tooth Fairy, waiting to catch an elephant?
I’m having a breakdown