We are back home after a week at my parents house. The drive from Nevada down Highway 395 took us through some places that…let's just say, I was glad when I saw we were approaching Orange County.
It's a little disturbing to me that I have become some comfy and accustom to OC, driving as fast as I can in my Escalade through towns with one gas station and an auto graveyard, not wanting to have to stop. And if we are finally forced to stop, I lay out the law to everyone, "Don't touch anything!" before releasing the autolocks.
After pleas from the kids to eat at one of the zillion McDonald's we had passed, we pulled into the Golden Arches in Bishop. I squeezed into a spot next to a thrashed white car with one window smashed out and a sheet duct taped in its place. Two women stood outside the car–not moving an smidgen to accommodate us–both were smoking and when we opened our doors, I could hear crying from behind the sheet. As they smoked the younger one complained to her shoeless friend, "She thinks she's a princess already." Motioning to the window she took a big puff and said, "…up all hours wanting something."
At that, she reached her pudgy hand through the window and pulled out a little baby (little, like six months tops) by her one arm and brought the infant to her chest with her other hand, lit cigarette now dangling right under the baby's left ear.
Emily, my daughter, stood speechless. She hates cigarettes and gets all Cindy Brady when she sees anyone smoking. "Mom," she started, tapping me on the arm, standing right in front of the trio, staring, "She's smoking while she's holding…" I quickly nudged her along toward doors of the restaurant. "But mom…" she kept on, now pointing to them and looking back and forth to me then them.
When we got inside we ordered our usual fare and the women were now in the play area, with what we guessed were their other kids. All dirty and shirtless. All ignoring the barked orders of their moms. The baby still cried as she laid across her mom's big, round ketchup-streaked belly.
Emily glared at them for a while, but eventually got down to the business of asking everyone for their pickles and negotiating when she could open her toy. As I sat there, finishing off my Purelling blitz, I realized that living in Orange County my kids are pretty sheltered from that sort of scene.
I guess I've become insulated, too. Larry laughs at me when I wince at the dirty bathrooms, gum stained sidewalks, and overflowing trash cans of some towns and cities. We have a joke that when we see discarded fast food bags or beer cans in our town's streets we gasp and say in mocked horror, "Someone call the police! There's garbage on the streets of Irvine!"
When did I become this person? I lived in San Francisco for 10 years. I hichhiked through Europe by myself. I listen to The Clash for heaven's sake! What has happened to me? Where's my heart? Does suburban life softly lull even the most ardent urban adventurer and once compassionate youth into a snob, slowly and deceptively until we wake up and find we can't tolerate life unless it's polished and Febrezed? Or is it just part of getting older? Or being a mom? What?
No matter what the cause, I felt like a good dose of something subversive and charitable, but had too much laundry to do and far too much on Facebook to catch up with and then I had to run to Trader Joe's because I HAD to have their Edamame Hummus, which was delicious and I wanted to go in the jacuzzi before the kids went to bed, so I forgot all about my dilemma. Until now. Is it so bad that I like my suburban life? When did this happen to me?
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Maybe to counter-balance this feeling, I've started a group on Flickr called "Things That are Unintentionally Creepy." Things like clowns or dental equipment from the 1800's, puppets…that kind of thing. Please join and add any photos of things that made shudder. I know I have a hair-trigger creep button, but I surely can't be the only one.
It can be unsettling for those of us never raised in that particular way to watch it. My only concern is for the baby getting the smoke blown in the face. As for the women…. pffttt. Sorry your children had to see that, but it’s good for them to know that not all children lead a life with the privileges of middle class suburbanites. Why not do as my daughter does and pack a lunch or snacks in a small cooler so you don’t have to stop at those Golden Arches that don’t provide ‘good’ calories for our children anyway, unless of course you were stopping to use their restrooms. Not trying to be critical here… just offering an easy peasy suggestion to a mom. :-))
We drove through the Navajo Indian Reservation in Utah a few years back. I have never felt so conspicuous in my life — and we are very modest people. We stopped once, to get gas, and the looks we received were unsettling. I felt terrible on so many levels. I did nothing to any of these people but they seemed to be telling us that we were not welcome there. I also felt terrible that people in the United States live like this. That we somehow ARE responsible for this.
At any rate, visiting other places and seeing how other people live, whether it’s on a higher or lower plane, is always good for perspective.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to love your OC suburia life style. Nothing wrong with it.
But with that said…I also think it is equally important not to forget what the REST of the world is like. It is good to take your kids to such places, both worse and in some cases better (like the simplicity of a desert dude ranch like you have done)…….so they can see how their day-to-day existence differs from others.
Don’t feel guilty.
I am right there with you.
~M
My sister in law lives with her husband and two kids in a town up north. It disguste me that they chose to uproot the family and move to this hole in the earth in search of the “small town life”. In my opinion the moved to a place that should be bull dozed and made a landfill. There is nothing small town about the place. The characters that you described in your blog post sound like the citizens of this town.
Great post. No guilt, but thankfulness. It’s good to open our eyes to what other’s day to day lives are like. It helps us to be more thankful for what God has given us.. and urges us to pray for others more.
LOL. We had the same experience in West Virginia. I don’t think my children will ever recover…but you go a few miles away from our house and you can see some real Americana….And that edamame hummus is one of my favorite things on this planet;
I promise you, the folks you saw can be found in OC. I’ll give you mapquest directions. There are so many other things I’d like to say right now. But it will come out all wrong. I’ll just leave it at that.
Maybe a day a month volunteering at a homeless shelter would help balance things out …
Am I grateful and thankful? Yes.
Do I feel guilty? No.
Should I make sure my kids see that others have lives that differ from ours? Yes, definitely.
We seem to have this discussion at our house every December, as “too much stuff” rolls in year after year.
Volunteering to help others in need is a great place to start. As someone above stated, this exists in our own OC backyard. Thanks for the post. Whether you intended it or not, it served as a great reminder and a nudge for me.
Haha, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recover (kidding, kind of). Great stuff as usual.
There are so many perspectives to enjoy in OC. Viet food in Little Saigon is always fun. Venturing into Hispanic neighborhoods is another . . . ordering tacos from a truck, trying to remember high school Spanish for fun, seeing their great sense of community . . . everybody is outside talking, and everybody knows each other. fun stuff and culture shock at the same time.
I had a similar reaction a few weeks ago, when we were touring the dirty, run-down towns in the coal region of eastern PA with our kids. I asked them to look at the town and tell me what they saw that seemed unusual to them. They noticed old cars, falling down houses, business signs that seemed not to have been updated since the early 1970s, and lots of empty store fronts. The waitress in the pizza shop we went to for lunch had clearly not been privy to much in the way of oral hygiene in her life, and the parade of fat people coming in to buy lunch was amazing.
Then I started talking about how those folks, despite not “having much”, do the best they can with their limited resources, and that while some choose to leave when they can, many just can’t, and…
… then I became super-conscious of walking a fine line between trying to educate my kids, and sounding like a condescending preachy snobby judgemental bitch. Which was not at all my intention! I was just trying to make my kids aware that there’s a whole world that’s not far away from our cushy suburb and their Taj Majal of a middle school. I want to help them understand that we ARE fortunate to have all that we do, even though times, for us, are tight right now.
I do think it’s important for kids to have an awareness of all walks of life. I like Daryl’s idea of volunteering in a homeless shelter – our church supports one and we have been involved every so often.
Being the product of this type of town I am very sad after reading all the posts etc…..all the volunteering etc. REALLY doesn’t change most OC thinking…sorry Suzanne you felt your kids were going to catch something if they touched “country living”….
This story made me sad.
The road didn’t suit you because it passed through places that didn’t have shiny mini-malls, and “zillions” of McDonald’s (probably far fewer than exist in Orange County).
The poor woman was below your standards in every way: shoeless, poor, eating McDonalds, smoking, “barking orders,” fat.
Living in San Francisco once and listening to The Clash doesn’t quite qualify as having experienced “the other side of life.” And yes, it does sound like you have become a snob, and that your children are following your lead. A child really has no business commenting on adults in public. It’s disrespectful, whether the adult is poor and fat, or the mayor of a suburban city.
I have a home in Orange County, right in your town, in fact. When we bought a house in a part of California that has more horses than Escalades, and real neighborhoods with houses that aren’t identical, and yes, even fat people, I abandoned “The OC” as fast as I could. My husband lives both places, because he is still employed in Orange County, but he will live here full time one day, where we can see the stars at night and where we don’t have to battle traffic on the 405 by day.
It’s a shame that you sublimated your charitable feelings into Facebook and Trader Joe’s, because Orange County is both one of the wealthiest in California and has one of the lowest rates of charitable contributions in California. I spent many years trying to shake charitable money out of wealthy Orange county residents. The insulation leads some to believe that the needy don’t exist. At least, “not here.” So who cares?
I agree with you. I think I might not have communicated my discontent with myself strong enough in my post. The only judgment I wanted to pass was on myself, not the women.
Yes, I described what I saw and how my daughter reacted, but I tried to write this post showing my own flaws; how easily I was distracted and lured back into my little world, how I thought I was above feeling the way I did. I intentionally tried to show how I was just as off track as anyone else in the story.
I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear, now, because a lot of people I respect (you being one) have read it in a way I didn’t intend. I wrote what I felt, even though it was not a side of me I am proud of, hoping that others might feel the same way.
There will be a “part 2” to this post, one where there is action, I just don’t know what that is going to be yet.
Suz
Thank you for your kind e-mail. I was too quick to reply and too harsh with my hair-trigger response. I should have paused to consider whether I was interpreting correctly. I thank you for hearing me better than I heard you.
I have felt that suburbia has “softened” me in ways I don’t like, and so I certainly should have done a better job of understanding you. I have a real hot button when it comes to the privileged (in which I include myself) seeming to be disparaging to the less-privileged (which I have been) and I explode before I think sometimes.
It’s true about Orange County and the charitable contributions, by the way. I believe it’s because in Los Angeles, for example, people see the homeless and desperate much more than in Orange County. In the shiny suburbs, it’s all too easy to forget that there’s a whole other world out there.
I don’t think because you are poor, you are stupid. That lady grabbing her baby by the arm with a cigarette dangling from her mouth was clearly white trash. I come from poor. We would have NEVER done that. There is a differentiation between not having money and not having respect for yourself and those around you. You can still be poor and wear clean clothes. They won’t be high style and may be a bit worn, but they will be clean.
And yes, in country livin’ there are usually old cars in the back forty. They are kept for parts when the current one breaks down and you can’t afford a mechanic to fix it. You get used to it after awhile. 😉
I don’t think you were being judgemental, Suz. Just honest in your view of the situation.
Suz, I hear you. I go through many similar feelings when I travel back to Mexico and see things that make my heart ache. I often come back judging myself more than anyone else, just like you did. I got that part, and even more so after reading your reply in the comments section. I also tend to see a lot of sadness on a regular basis at work (in the public benefits field, some of our clients are either facing homelessness, or are homeless and disabled.) So I have a gentle DAILY reminder, too. And often, like you, I try to think of ways in which I can help. But I’m only human, and I certainly fall short. That is when prayer comes in. When I cannot physically do something for someone, I send out small prayers for them. It helps me feel a little better at times. In all honesty though, many times I go home numb from the pain that some of their stories bring. And this is what keeps me doing what I do. Yes, I would love to have more time to be an artist and a photographer full time. Yes, I would love it more than anything. But then I remember our clients. Their stories. What we do to help with their disability appeals. And then I realize this is how I feel I can be of service. And my personal passions in other areas get to be part-time again. And again. I always tell myself, when I retire one day, I’ll get to be a photographer full time 😀
(Sorry for the long post!)
I know these feelings very well but I can´t say anything clever about it right now without thinking.
I hear what you’re saying. I know you aren’t passing judgment. I worry about suburbia too and what it can do. Maybe it is a mom thing or a getting older thing. I say, am I getting too old? all the time.
We’re in a town now that holds people from different backgrounds and cultures. Annie isn’t in the best school, but in the local small school with a prominent aboriginal community. It’s been a great experience for us. She’s learning about a beautiful people and culture that she maybe wouldn’t have learned about otherwise.
Your sweet daughter is worried about the effects of smoking…thank God! I hope she holds on to that. 🙂
I grew up here in suburbia and we didn’t have a lot of extra cash. We were never grabbed and dragged around by the arm, our parents didn’t blow smoke in our faces, and McDonald’s was a very rare treat. I think your sensitivity to being desensitized is an important step in making sure your kids understand that not everyone has the advantages they do.
Crap I got interrupted posting that. In between the two thoughts, I meant to say that it’s all about how you raise your kids. We learned to appreciate what we have and not expect things handed to us on a silver plate, even though we had a lot more than some of our peers and a lot less than others. My sister and I both had chores, jobs, did our own laundry, cleaned our rooms, and understood the value of hard work and earning something. Just growing up in OC doesn’t mean you have to gloss over the realities of the world.
Insert last sentence here. 🙂
I’m so glad that your daughter is clear about smoking around children. I know what you are saying here. I have turned into a judgmental wet-wiping mom-zilla since the birth of my son. It’s mostly to do with protecting my son who is 20 months. I also feel for all those babies and little ones that get neglected. I’ve never beleived more firmly in mandatory birth control in some cases:)
I would probably have gotten my panties in a wad and said something to the woman. I have to stop myself. I am not OC – maybe OCD, though. I have a really hard time with people who do not value and protect their children. I grew up around people like her and saw the fall out. I do think our kids have to see that side, though, to develop compassion and depth.
As far as things that creep you out, you mentioned clowns so I thought I’d link you to a post I wrote a week or so ago. It’s http://robynnsravings.blogspot.com/2009/08/meme-me-part-2.html
I think you’ll uh, “enjoy” the clown picture!
Now what was I doing here…? OH YEAH! Congratulations of Post of the DAY!! And I see in your comments we have a mutual friend! Daryl, at the M104. LOVE HER!
Totally with you on this. I hate smoking too and especially hate to see mothers smoking when they are pushing prams or holding their babies. It’s human nature to feel this way as we nurture our own; only some mothers find human nature a little later than the rest of us.
CJ xx
very honest provocative post… and I love your flickr group idea! (over from post of the day – good job!)
Suz ~
I totally “got” where you were coming from this post — and I am a resident of Corona del Mar who is MOVING OUT and MOVING INTO a more culturally (and financially) diverse neighborhood.
There is a huge difference between “simple living” and being “white trash.” You encountered the latter in the parking lot.
And congrats on having a daughter who ADVOCATES for the young, when she herself is still so young!
As for stopping at McD’s on a road trip: that’s what road trips are for! Leave the carrots at home! 😉